What do humans and the frilled lizard have in common? Well, when were afraid, we both puff out our faces and ears and try to act really, really scary. The fear in jealousy is so strong that it can sometimes make us humans react to situations like a frilled lizard, just to make sure that our partner gets the point that we don't want them to stray.

And how many times has that frilled lizard look ever made your beloved admire you more? Probably not many...

People use the word jealousy as a feeling, but Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of Nonviolent Communication (www.cnvc.org) would probably argue that its a thought.

For example, abandoned is a thought -- its your negative evaluation of somebody leaving you. But what if they IRS abandoned you and your audit? Is that necessarily negative? No.... so abandoned is an evaluation of, or thought about, somebody leaving you.

In the same way, jealousy isnt really a feeling its a thought. The event may be your beloved paying attention to somebody else in a way that you think means s/he may leave you (or that they love another person more than you). Its the meaning that we attach to the event that we label jealousy.

The true feeling underneath jealousy is usually fear--that your beloved will leave you for another person. And fear is usually uncomfortable, if not down right painful. It awakens our limbic brain (the reptilian brain) and puts us in a fight or flight mode. We yell, we threaten, we puff out our ears and try to look real scary and go, Bwah! Bwah!! And generally look real stupid.

So, when you feel triggered by the fear that underlies jealousy, it would help to call it what it is. Call it fear. Say to your partner: Honey,

(Observation) When I saw you talking to your ex this evening...

(Feelings) I felt frightened...

(Needs) Because I have a need for emotional safety in this relationship.

(Request) Would you be willing to tell me truthfully if youre falling back in love with her?

Those are the four steps to speaking honestly using Nonviolent Communication. Its scary to put your heart out to your beloved and expose yourself as being afraid. Most people dont like to admit theyre scared. But isnt it a lot better than fighting like a frilled lizard with your lover? Asking the question in the nonviolent manner doesnt imply that your lover did anything wrong. Youre taking full responsibility for the feeling of fear, not blaming them for having done anything bad.

And, of course, this is just one way to ask one little question about your feelings of jealousy. It may be useful to sit and look at where in your life somebody did leave you (or worse, didnt love you but didnt leave you, either). Those old wounds may be coming up now for you to look at, but your present lover may not be doing anything out of line.

And always give your inner reptilian brain--your inner frilled lizard that puffs out its cheeks and tries to look scary--a lot of love. You developed that response because at some time you had a beautiful need for safety in a relationship and your frilled lizard is just trying to protect you.